How to Sell Self-Published Books and eBooks

In 2010 I wrote the first two chapters. One month in 2013 I wrote the core of the book and started revisions. In 2016 I closed the loops and wrote the final three chapters. No way is this as interesting to you as it is to me. I get that.

Hey, I’m not even asking you to read the damn thing. If you buy the eBook it’s only three dollars, you waste more money than that throwing food away. Nice work. Good priorities, proud to know you. Maybe save some leftovers. Am I evoking feelings? Laughter? Contempt? Incredulity? Dubiousness? If any of that is happening, it’s because I know how to convey via the written word. However you want to feel it, I will make a point. That’s what writers do. That’s how we figured out we’re writers.

On a serious note, I wish I knew how to sell books. I just don’t, but I have been enjoying the effort the last couple of days. The cheesy marketing shtick gets me. I think when the line between sarcasm and advertising disappears, it’s all over. I mean, it’s really all over. The jig is up. When you get passed irony and you’re in borderline territory… damn.

This is timely, relevant material

Americans love fast. 5 minutes, E-Z. E-Ztopia. 10 second solutions. That’s called stimulation marketing. That’s how political campaigns market to simpletons. Have you noticed? In totally raw terms, it’s more important to know how a person’s brain functions as an organ, than it is to try to affect their minds.

That’s why even the best people who have all the good facts and seek to educate the population lose out to barely human political animals in the arena of life. Try to tell them that though, try to help them understand. Try to show them the hoodwink. They don’t appreciate it. They think new information is a threat. They’d rather believe than win. What’re ya gonna do?

Then, in real life there are actualcrises. Things happen. What comes next has to be better when you’re in a situation like that, right? You look forward to better times. For real, this is real. The Rocky Mountains broke my transmission. I might need a whole new one, I can’t get to work. My dad is 93 and I need to go see him before Winter. No worries, things always work out. That’s just how it is you cheap bastards. Just play “In the Arms of the Angels” for me.

War and Vegetables: A Chronicle of The Last Gas Station.
If someone has Kindle unlimited and Prime I think it’s free.

In some ways my book is a series of comedy sketches. As I was doing my very final revision I thought alot about Monty Python. I realized they were more of an influence on me than I knew. Some of the dialogue and extended prose are visual, as events. Some of the other writing is adjunct storytelling from a character within the story. He tells the story of a completely ridiculous conglomerate as they begin a relationship with a promising young innovator. The story is Absurdist and nonsensical, but no less so than the business systems in our actual lives. We are living in the world of the Cheez-n-Pickle.

People would eat a Cheez-n-Pickle if there was one in front of them, but my book is some kind of risk. The Cheez-n-Pickle is full of chemicals and preservatives; it’s subsidized, shipped back and forth across the world, to end up on corporate supermarket shelves. At the end of the day, no one buys it and homeless people leave it in the box at the local food pantry. Still, somehow to you, that’s more interesting and curious and most importantly, less demanding than my book, which is only three dollars.

make your own coffee for -ONE DAY-

There is so much baseball in this book and it’s World Series Season. I’m so sorry Baseball is such an escapist diversion. Unlike role-playing games, video games, television, and your stupid smart phone. You know you can go to Amazon on your stupid smart phone and buy my book, right? No no, of course don’t let me distract you from your Angry Birds or whatever Pokemon pablum you’ve fallen into. Whatever you do, don’t read anything.

What’s the deal with people who criticize artists for their life choice? I remember living in a neighborhood where so many of us were musical. There would be people who made fun of all the musicians for having to be in a band. “Why does everything think they have to be in a band?” Really, here’s a better question, “Why aren’t you in a band?” What would you rather have us do? Be Bankers? Bureaucrats? Some dikhed Real Estate Investor? Some State sponsored street punisher? How the hell is it some kind of a bad life choice to spend one’s time creating things that don’t hurt anyone? Maybe do a better job finding the right people to be annoyed with.

This doesn’t make you curious enough to find out what’s on the back cover of the CD, but a six-pack costs around ten bucks and who knows what you spend on wine.

Here are a couple of minor things. I have a couple of Paperbacks I can give away to reviewers. If you review books on Amazon, you buy my book and review it. I will send you a Paperback for free. But you have to be a real reviewer. Not just a one-off thing. You review books all the time.

Another thing is that you can share the links to this note, or the links to the books.

Say something like this:

“This guy’s book is only three dollars and he really needs to learn how to sell books, because most people have three bucks whether they know how to read or not.

Just something like that.

If it will make you feel better you can buy my book and throw it in the garbage with your food tonight. You could pour a coffee on it, smash a breakfast pastry into it, maybe a frozen burrito from the gas station… How about burn it with a pack of smokes that depending on where you live cost 2-3 times as much as three dollars? As long as you’re throwing money away and killing yourself, you might as well buy my book.

facebook post about cheapness of my friends
i had a good time 😀

War and Vegetables: A Chronicle of The Last Gas Station

Thanks for reading!

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